My world.

There is a place I find myself in from time to time. Maybe I'm day-dreaming at work or maybe I'm just bored. I could be concentrating on something very intently or snuggling with a mink blanket on the couch. You know, one of those blankets you find in gift shops that are far too overpriced but are indispensable when the furnace breaks and you live in Canada.
    My world consists of ideas for candle-making, seeing the image of a flame in my head or following a fox through the maze of thoughts that is my head. It is that state of mind that welcomes everything around me; people, the draft through the air conditioner or the sound of the neighbours making merry. I see the image of my window at work looking out to a landscape with deer, moose, a scale for weighing vehicles and one large tree that has been there for a very long time. Sometimes I find myself drifting down the road into the valley below and finding a bit of scrub-trees.
     When I am in this state, the sun pierces through my soul like a realization or even some kind of epiphany. Things are brighter and pulses around me like a cosmic heartbeat. I feel warmer and more empowered and even, dare I say, a little more enlightened. Life is beautiful.
   If things are dark in your life and you are just a little more depressed then usual, go do what makes you feel like this. Don't worry about judgment from people. We are a young race and are far too inexperienced to judge anything.

I will not be addressing this post to ladies, gents or the like as this is a recording of a previous life.
    Do you ever remember a better place that you were once in a physical fashion? Maybe a place you grew up or a place that you just had a glimpse of? I just recently saw some pictures of the place I grew up in. I grew up in La Ronge, Saskatchewan, Canada. It's the most beautiful place on Earth. There are trees and lakes as far as the eye can see. There was once a river flowing through my backyard with no higher property taxes because it wasn't a coveted place to be as there were streams, rivers, and forests in everyone's backyard. At dawn, the sun looked like an explosion of life through the treed horizon and at dusk, it lingered softly as if not wanting to leave that place. The animals were true, no man could tame them or own them, including domestic dogs and cats. You could go for a walk for 5 minutes out in the middle of nowhere and not hear the sound of traffic and instead contemplate the moss, the leaves, the mushrooms. Skipping out of school meant going for a canoe trip upstream to get to a mysterious hidden spring. The air was fresh all the time and when it was really cold, aurora borealis would appear in the sky at night.
    The rest of Saskatchewan would frown on this place saying it wasn't even civilization anymore, that it was a forgotten cesspool of crime and depravity. To a degree this was true, La Ronge was basically cut off. Building materials were hard to come by and social tact even more so.
    Here's what I miss. I miss the fact that if anyone had some to say, they said it to your face and there was none of this behind-your-back political bullshit that you see anywhere else. I miss the second-to-none beauty that the physical landscape projected and lastly, the sense of a spiritual place of power. This was my home.

Dear ladies and gents and everyone else,
I am currently listening to Dropkick Murphys (damn good band) and am about to write a very confusing blog. It's confusing to me anyway. Let it commence or in the words of a wise man, "Engage."
      So being a woman is never fun, especially when from time to time your body goes, "You will go a little nuck-futty and ignore any sense of class and dignity." I try and maintain a sense of self-control but once in a while it goes out the damn window. I can look at the set of black roman shades I crafted from blood, sweat and tears for the kitchen window, knowing full well there's nothing wrong with them and say, "They're shit. They're the worst things I've ever done in my life and I should burn in hell for even wasting the fabric." Sensible me says, they're kinda cool, I should do that again.
    Now I am listening to Garbage (awesome) and my drink is running low. I contemplate the kitten for a while thinking, "How can something that cute be so destructive." It's ok. You know why it's ok? Because he's cute. And purty. I digress though. I assume at this point, there is some woman out there in the world reading this and wondering what the conclusion is to this crazy rant. Here it is.
     It will happen for most of your life, woman I've never met. The best way to deal with it (That I've found personally) is to imbibe copious amounts of vodka as it also has a purifying effect, sit out in a snowbank for 5-10 minutes, depending on your body's internal temperature and do lots of karaoke. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Kittens help too. I love you all and please take care. This is me signing off.

Dear Ladies and Gents and so on and so forth,
I am scared. In fact I'm damn near petrified. I am starting a brand new life with one of my oldest friends. I love him dearly, always have in fact. I am leaving a city I have lived in for the last 12 years of my life for this man. I mentioned previously that I go into change kicking and screaming. Not this time, this time my heart is frantic until I contemplate my surroundings, then it becomes calm again. I love him. This is a fact.
   I have all but settled in to a domestic setting. Cooking, cleaning, organizing. On Monday I will start my new job and in the next couple months, I will be moved out of my old city completely.
   I recall watching the lights of my old city appear over the horizon one night when I came there the first time.  That was 15 years ago. You know that song Small Town Girl/Don't Stop Believing/Midnight Train by Journey? Yeah, that's what I was. The lights of the city awed me and from there I knew nothing could possibly go terribly wrong.
   I was wrong. My years in my old city were painful, unsatisfying and unfulfilling. I never gained a career, a permanent family or any of these things that people either lament or are very happy in. I was always a shadow, flitting from situation to situation in an effort to hold a part of that starry sky in my hand. There were moments where I could grasp it and for those moments, I would hold on to them like a last breath of air. That is why I stayed so long.
  As my love and I were taking the first load out to my home, I watched the lights of the old city slowly disappear behind me and breathed a sigh of relief. No longer do I have to try. I can now maintain a sense of anonymity and hermitism while still leading a life I would like to lead. That being said, I want to try and grow with him. I want there to be nothing lacking in both our lives and I have the power to do such things.
   For anyone reading this from the old city, thank you for the part you played in my life and I can only hope that I somehow made yours a tiny bit better. I love all of you in different ways and will continue to do so.

This is possibly going to be one of the sappiest blogs I've ever written. I name it, "Why I love my boyfriend."

1) He is strong and manly.
2)We think uncannily similar.
3) When I look into his eyes, I feel the physical world slipping away and something ethereal surround me.
4) He accepts things that go bump in the night, as I occasionally do.
5) There is nothing I wouldn't do for him.
6) He is taller than me.
7) He lets me smoke in the house.
8) He's letting me get a kitten.
9) He thinks I'm beautiful.
10) He brings me bouquets of chocolate.
11) He makes me feel small when he holds me.
12) He's my best friend.
13) 15 years didn't matter except in the ways of lost time.
14) He likes my bandanas.
15) We like to blow stuff up.
16) He likes my music cause it's his music too.
17) He's so hot.
18) He lets me nest.
19) He brings reasoning to my world.
20) He doesn't judge me.
21) He tells me I stink pretty.
22) He wears leather and camo. That's hot.
23) He's the toughest guy I know.
24) He makes me feel like a woman.
25) He lets me make him stuff.
26) It's not hard to love him.

I love you.

Hello all,
In my current situation, I am reminded of the phoenix. How it lives, spontaneously combusts into nothing more than a pile of ashes and proceeds to rise from said ashes.
    I am single again. I'm not going to mention anything about how that came to be because it would make no difference in future events. I am one of those people who welcome the future with open arms and don't really dwell too much on the past. Every morning when I wake up and I still have two feet and a heartbeat is a good morning.
    The situation is painful, of course, but these things always are. On the bright side, my new place that I will be writing future blogs from has a hot tub, decent people for roommates and lots of living space for everyone. It occurs to me, I would be able to find a bit of peace in there which I so desperately need. The landlord is accomodating and friendly and the rug feels good on my bare feet. It could be worse.
   To everyone, including the man that was just recently not in my life anymore, look forward to tomorrow. People come to these decisions to enrich life somehow, not to screw yours up. Of course, both happens but try and see the good. I will miss everyone. I won't be far away and I will stay in touch. I only wish it could've been somehow different.

Nothing and Everything

G'day folks!

So I've had all these thoughts spinning around in my head for a long time that I should have written down or at least not try to shove them out. Either way, they're all gone now and I am left with remnants of emotion instead.

      I have tried to be focused more on me and the people around me as opposed to the outside world (work). I have found that the calmer and happier everything is at home, everything else seems to fall into place naturally. It has been hard and emotionally draining at times but the ongoing result is less fighting, more understanding and a sort of harmonious balance.

     This process isn't done yet, not by a long shot. Hearts have been broken and mended and sometimes the very nature of all of our relationships has been tossed into a proverbial blender. For the most part, I prefer to sit back and observe because interpreting is always helpful unless the interpretation is wrong in which case I am up shit creek without a paddle.

      I am ending this now until I have a little more time to write and don't have to go to work right after.

To everyone out there who cares enough, I would send you all good energies but unfortunately for the time being, I have to save them for myself.