moments

Everyone gather in a circle and hold everyone else's hand. Smile, laugh and your heart will be full of love, laughter and contentment.
    This is what I wish for everyone else who can achieve this level of existence. This is merely a good night's sleep or a dream that will never be for most.
    If you're wondering whether this is a normal post for me or whether I am feeling some deep emotional realizations, it's a little bit of A and a little bit of B mixed into one mental and emotional mess. I just heard that a friend of a friend of mine decided he couldn't take anymore.
   I've been through this before. I've known people that have been taken to that brink and other's that just simply fell over the edge. I was there once. Possibly more than once. It also occurs to me it's a lot easier confessing this kind of stuff to the internet then to real people. Anyway, I digress. It was very dark. I remember moments of looking at the second hand on the clock, watching it tick away my life and wondering which moment I would finally go. I would become impatient and try to take matters into my own hands. I would hold on to a semblance of hope that one day I would be ok and be normal and feel fulfilled. Moments became hours, hours became days and I was feeling so raw and beaten I felt like a walking corpse.
   Then, it happened. A very good friend of mine took his own life. I asked his mother if I could touch him, if she would mind at all. She said "No, I don't mind." I walked up to his coffin and gulped a deep breath of air. I could feel my heart beating from my chest down to my wrist. He still looked the same. He was pale, same as he had always been. This struck me as funny and for a brief moment I wondered if it was more to do with his cellular health than with his mental health. I closed my eyes for what seemed an eternity and finally took his hand. There were people waiting behind me and everyone of them gasped when I touched him. I promised him that I would live life to the fullest for the both of us and that I would never fail him.
   Since that day, it has been a struggle some days and bright and shining other days. If there's one conclusion that anyone can draw out of this post it's that life is what surrounds us and the things we draw from life are what makes us. I encourage everyone to either take the time that we need to deal with the things that life throws at us and also relish the moments that are given to us.

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So here it is. I am working again. Good thing. I have to be there for 6 in the morning. Bad thing. I had to start taking my epileptic medication again. No seizures, good thing. The myriad of side effects that come with it, bad thing. Playing a new MMORPG known as City of Heroes, good thing. No bad things about this really. Having to do what is necessary, good thing and bad thing.
       So here's where I'm at. Up down and all around. The thing is is that I've come to a point where I can take the relationships I have in life for granted. No, not granted but in a comfortable state of existence and still feel the love. The initial shock/surprise of having a stepmom has worn off for the kids. The honeymoon period is over and a sort of rhythm has taken it's place. My love and I have fallen into a state of expectancy of tomorrow and what we need to do next. The love burns brightly for all aspects of my life and I feel at home.