Dear ladies and gents and everyone else,
I am currently listening to Dropkick Murphys (damn good band) and am about to write a very confusing blog. It's confusing to me anyway. Let it commence or in the words of a wise man, "Engage."
      So being a woman is never fun, especially when from time to time your body goes, "You will go a little nuck-futty and ignore any sense of class and dignity." I try and maintain a sense of self-control but once in a while it goes out the damn window. I can look at the set of black roman shades I crafted from blood, sweat and tears for the kitchen window, knowing full well there's nothing wrong with them and say, "They're shit. They're the worst things I've ever done in my life and I should burn in hell for even wasting the fabric." Sensible me says, they're kinda cool, I should do that again.
    Now I am listening to Garbage (awesome) and my drink is running low. I contemplate the kitten for a while thinking, "How can something that cute be so destructive." It's ok. You know why it's ok? Because he's cute. And purty. I digress though. I assume at this point, there is some woman out there in the world reading this and wondering what the conclusion is to this crazy rant. Here it is.
     It will happen for most of your life, woman I've never met. The best way to deal with it (That I've found personally) is to imbibe copious amounts of vodka as it also has a purifying effect, sit out in a snowbank for 5-10 minutes, depending on your body's internal temperature and do lots of karaoke. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Kittens help too. I love you all and please take care. This is me signing off.

Dear Ladies and Gents and so on and so forth,
I am scared. In fact I'm damn near petrified. I am starting a brand new life with one of my oldest friends. I love him dearly, always have in fact. I am leaving a city I have lived in for the last 12 years of my life for this man. I mentioned previously that I go into change kicking and screaming. Not this time, this time my heart is frantic until I contemplate my surroundings, then it becomes calm again. I love him. This is a fact.
   I have all but settled in to a domestic setting. Cooking, cleaning, organizing. On Monday I will start my new job and in the next couple months, I will be moved out of my old city completely.
   I recall watching the lights of my old city appear over the horizon one night when I came there the first time.  That was 15 years ago. You know that song Small Town Girl/Don't Stop Believing/Midnight Train by Journey? Yeah, that's what I was. The lights of the city awed me and from there I knew nothing could possibly go terribly wrong.
   I was wrong. My years in my old city were painful, unsatisfying and unfulfilling. I never gained a career, a permanent family or any of these things that people either lament or are very happy in. I was always a shadow, flitting from situation to situation in an effort to hold a part of that starry sky in my hand. There were moments where I could grasp it and for those moments, I would hold on to them like a last breath of air. That is why I stayed so long.
  As my love and I were taking the first load out to my home, I watched the lights of the old city slowly disappear behind me and breathed a sigh of relief. No longer do I have to try. I can now maintain a sense of anonymity and hermitism while still leading a life I would like to lead. That being said, I want to try and grow with him. I want there to be nothing lacking in both our lives and I have the power to do such things.
   For anyone reading this from the old city, thank you for the part you played in my life and I can only hope that I somehow made yours a tiny bit better. I love all of you in different ways and will continue to do so.

This is possibly going to be one of the sappiest blogs I've ever written. I name it, "Why I love my boyfriend."

1) He is strong and manly.
2)We think uncannily similar.
3) When I look into his eyes, I feel the physical world slipping away and something ethereal surround me.
4) He accepts things that go bump in the night, as I occasionally do.
5) There is nothing I wouldn't do for him.
6) He is taller than me.
7) He lets me smoke in the house.
8) He's letting me get a kitten.
9) He thinks I'm beautiful.
10) He brings me bouquets of chocolate.
11) He makes me feel small when he holds me.
12) He's my best friend.
13) 15 years didn't matter except in the ways of lost time.
14) He likes my bandanas.
15) We like to blow stuff up.
16) He likes my music cause it's his music too.
17) He's so hot.
18) He lets me nest.
19) He brings reasoning to my world.
20) He doesn't judge me.
21) He tells me I stink pretty.
22) He wears leather and camo. That's hot.
23) He's the toughest guy I know.
24) He makes me feel like a woman.
25) He lets me make him stuff.
26) It's not hard to love him.

I love you.

Hello all,
In my current situation, I am reminded of the phoenix. How it lives, spontaneously combusts into nothing more than a pile of ashes and proceeds to rise from said ashes.
    I am single again. I'm not going to mention anything about how that came to be because it would make no difference in future events. I am one of those people who welcome the future with open arms and don't really dwell too much on the past. Every morning when I wake up and I still have two feet and a heartbeat is a good morning.
    The situation is painful, of course, but these things always are. On the bright side, my new place that I will be writing future blogs from has a hot tub, decent people for roommates and lots of living space for everyone. It occurs to me, I would be able to find a bit of peace in there which I so desperately need. The landlord is accomodating and friendly and the rug feels good on my bare feet. It could be worse.
   To everyone, including the man that was just recently not in my life anymore, look forward to tomorrow. People come to these decisions to enrich life somehow, not to screw yours up. Of course, both happens but try and see the good. I will miss everyone. I won't be far away and I will stay in touch. I only wish it could've been somehow different.

Nothing and Everything

G'day folks!

So I've had all these thoughts spinning around in my head for a long time that I should have written down or at least not try to shove them out. Either way, they're all gone now and I am left with remnants of emotion instead.

      I have tried to be focused more on me and the people around me as opposed to the outside world (work). I have found that the calmer and happier everything is at home, everything else seems to fall into place naturally. It has been hard and emotionally draining at times but the ongoing result is less fighting, more understanding and a sort of harmonious balance.

     This process isn't done yet, not by a long shot. Hearts have been broken and mended and sometimes the very nature of all of our relationships has been tossed into a proverbial blender. For the most part, I prefer to sit back and observe because interpreting is always helpful unless the interpretation is wrong in which case I am up shit creek without a paddle.

      I am ending this now until I have a little more time to write and don't have to go to work right after.

To everyone out there who cares enough, I would send you all good energies but unfortunately for the time being, I have to save them for myself.

Change

The kitty is loafed out on the floor, sun is streaming in broken beams through the window and Delerium is playing. It is a joyous and peaceful Saturday morning which is something that doesn't happen very often anymore.
    That's ok. Why is that ok? In the calamity that is life, it generally has it's own way of straightening everything out. There have been some massive changes in the last month, but, much like I tell my beloved step-daughter, we deal with everything by taking from that ever evasive well of strength that lives somewhere inside us. It's hard to find sometimes, somedays I myself dig fairly deep but I am never disappointed.
     I wonder how many of us remember when we were more adaptable. We could take change a little more gracefully and with a sense of wisdom. On that note, I wonder now how long it takes some of us to really accept what's going on and make the right choices about certain situations. I tend to go into any kind of change kicking and screaming, especially when it's something I just don't want to accept.
     Here's the beauty of all of it. We don't have to figure it all out by ourselves. We have people around us to usher us through. Even if we don't want the advice or don't want to accept the change, we can rest well-assured that there is love, caring and acceptance.
     At the end of the day, change is vital to life. Without change, we don't grow, learn or make anything else easier on ourselves. It is truly a necessary evil for we are made to never stop gaining knowledge or building on ourselves emotionally, mentally and physically.

moments

Everyone gather in a circle and hold everyone else's hand. Smile, laugh and your heart will be full of love, laughter and contentment.
    This is what I wish for everyone else who can achieve this level of existence. This is merely a good night's sleep or a dream that will never be for most.
    If you're wondering whether this is a normal post for me or whether I am feeling some deep emotional realizations, it's a little bit of A and a little bit of B mixed into one mental and emotional mess. I just heard that a friend of a friend of mine decided he couldn't take anymore.
   I've been through this before. I've known people that have been taken to that brink and other's that just simply fell over the edge. I was there once. Possibly more than once. It also occurs to me it's a lot easier confessing this kind of stuff to the internet then to real people. Anyway, I digress. It was very dark. I remember moments of looking at the second hand on the clock, watching it tick away my life and wondering which moment I would finally go. I would become impatient and try to take matters into my own hands. I would hold on to a semblance of hope that one day I would be ok and be normal and feel fulfilled. Moments became hours, hours became days and I was feeling so raw and beaten I felt like a walking corpse.
   Then, it happened. A very good friend of mine took his own life. I asked his mother if I could touch him, if she would mind at all. She said "No, I don't mind." I walked up to his coffin and gulped a deep breath of air. I could feel my heart beating from my chest down to my wrist. He still looked the same. He was pale, same as he had always been. This struck me as funny and for a brief moment I wondered if it was more to do with his cellular health than with his mental health. I closed my eyes for what seemed an eternity and finally took his hand. There were people waiting behind me and everyone of them gasped when I touched him. I promised him that I would live life to the fullest for the both of us and that I would never fail him.
   Since that day, it has been a struggle some days and bright and shining other days. If there's one conclusion that anyone can draw out of this post it's that life is what surrounds us and the things we draw from life are what makes us. I encourage everyone to either take the time that we need to deal with the things that life throws at us and also relish the moments that are given to us.

?

So here it is. I am working again. Good thing. I have to be there for 6 in the morning. Bad thing. I had to start taking my epileptic medication again. No seizures, good thing. The myriad of side effects that come with it, bad thing. Playing a new MMORPG known as City of Heroes, good thing. No bad things about this really. Having to do what is necessary, good thing and bad thing.
       So here's where I'm at. Up down and all around. The thing is is that I've come to a point where I can take the relationships I have in life for granted. No, not granted but in a comfortable state of existence and still feel the love. The initial shock/surprise of having a stepmom has worn off for the kids. The honeymoon period is over and a sort of rhythm has taken it's place. My love and I have fallen into a state of expectancy of tomorrow and what we need to do next. The love burns brightly for all aspects of my life and I feel at home.

Doubt

Good evening everyone. Tonight's entry might be a little more emotional than most. It's about making big decisions about one's life.
     Today, I decided to re-apply for university. I have applied to different schools in the past but got worried about the money, failure and rejection and in the end decided to not follow through at all. I have had a steady stream of inspiration from the man in my life whom I love and have thusly decided to follow through. I had been riding on a cloud of happy throughout the day since I applied this morning.
     And then I called my parents. My father reminisced about the multiple times I didn't follow through and also mentioned possible brain damage from too much of a good thing when I was younger. My heart sunk. I sit here now, questioning.
     My motives are clear for doing this. I want a career. I want to make life better for everyone around me. I need a challenge and a mission. My heart has grown tired from jobs I've worked that have not truly been mine. I need this fight and if it's myself I'm fighting against, I know I'm a damn good adversary.
     In the end, I'm going to do this for the myriad of reasons that have to do with love, hope, change and a fresh outtake on life. I'm going to do this because I can. Goodnight everybody.

Material Possessions

Good afternoon to everyone!
I was just outside having a cigarette and had a thought about everything material.
    Everyone loves having new stuff, cool stuff and everything from gidgets to gadgets and the like. I am no exception. However, it occurred to me that there was no amount of material possessions that could have bought me happiness or love.
     My pride and joy for the longest time was my backwoods blue 4x4 truck. I loved that thing. Unfortunately, I had pumped so much money into it and at the end, it was only half as good as it would ever be. I ended up selling it last year as it was on my continuous list of "things I gotta do".
     Since I have entered into my new life, these things make less of a difference to me than they used to. I've been fairly engrossed in the people around me such as my awesome boyfriend and stepchildren.
     So I thought, what drives people to make money, not unlike how I used to be. Is it pride? Self-worth? In a twisted sense of thinking, I used to measure all those things by what I had in my bank account. It was an easy way of dealing with issues that had less to do with money and more to do with life in general.
     I have everything I need and more. I want for nothing and if I do want something, I tend to either make it myself or go out and get the materials for said project. At this point, I would encourage everyone to concentrate on the people in your life rather than material possessions. After all, it's harder to cuddle with a set of dj turntables than it is with a person you love.
    On a very tandem note, I will be buying another truck someday. It was a lot of fun. And I would really like to take my boyfriend 4x4ing.

True Happiness

Dear friends, family, things that go bump in the night (like me) and fuzzy little creatures,
It occurred to me this morning that I have a great life. I have space, breathing room and inspiration. And love. How could I forget the constant love that surrounds moi.
       I do most of my best thinking when I sleep. I don't know how many of you out there have dreams about a new way to make delicious apple treats or organizing a certain space in your home. Of course, I dream about other things as well on a more surreal plane of thinking but practical, logical processes of thought are what dominate my mind.
      I keep being told by the loved peoples that surround me that I am actually fairly strong. This is new to me. To be quite honest, it disturbs me a little bit because now I have to find that happy medium where I'm not inadvertently being violent when I try to cuddle things like my cats or my loved peoples. In grade 3, my class had a hamster mascot where we would take turns taking care of it each recess. It was my turn one day and after filling it's food bowl up, I proceeded to cuddle it too hard and ended up killing the poor unsuspecting little creature. I want to reiterate at this point that I love animals in general a lot. I love everything from the creepy crawlies to the massive monstrosities in our world. Maybe I ought to be more careful and be a little more sensitive to everyone around me.
      In closing, I would like to address once more how good life is. I don't think I've had this much time off since I was 19. I have been given an opportunity to create, love and feel life at it's fullest. Most days I feel like I'm glowing like a firefly.

My first blog.

Dear friends, family, lovers and all quadrupeds:
This is my first blog. I sit here with a beer in my hand while the lamp on the table reflects my thoughts like a sunrise in my peripheral. Kate Bush is playing in the background. You get the mood.
       I have a boyfriend. It seems like such an odd thing to say. This implies that there's a love interest in my life in which we merely play about and show each other the best of each that there is to be seen and then see what happens. Not so in this case. He has seen my worst; I have laid my soul to bare many a time.
       I also have step-daughters. This is also strange for me. For many years I have not been looked at as a parenting figure and yet here I am. There are two lovely, energetic...there are so many words to describe them and yet I can't come up with one right now. I never knew what I was missing until they came into my life. It's like an ember that burns deep within my heart with love.
        I have somehow come to intertwine my life with all these loved ones that surround me. I have been a creature of stagnancy and non-change for a lot of years until this all happened. I worked too much, always thinking that the harder I worked, the more I wouldn't worry about money. It occurred to me that life is just that, life. Money will come and go but there are also things like love, friends, relationships and comraderie which becomes sacrificed in the name of currency. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this concept but it comes easier everyday.
        I don't know if I came gracefully into this change; I highly doubt it. I am not the most graceful or tactful human being out there and I do hope that it hasn't spilled out onto the people around me. The most important thing for my loved ones to know is that I love them. There will be plenty of trial and tribulation in all our lives without having to come home at the end of the day and feel discomfited.
       That's all I want to write about for my first blog, the energy that had been fueling me is dissipated now and The Tea Party calls.